Modular Poem - Pain

Thursday

I remember parts of Thursday - watched "Coraline" and wrote tons of notes because we are watching it for a college class.

"Coraline" is a little creepy - why would I let my kids watch it?  It's not like I can stop them, they are already adults.  And they've already watched it.

Friday

Friday was my day of bliss with my hands in clay all day. Well until 2:00 p.m. Seven hours of bliss. Then I was home; something happened that distressed me into a panic.   I was a reck for the rest of the day.

Saturday

I originally had plans for Fish n Chips; I canceled them.  I told my friends a half-truth for the reason why.  I made new plans on Friday for Saturday and ended up not doing the new plans either.  I didn't lie - I just didn't tell the whole truth.

Instead of having a nice day out with my friends, I stayed home all day - cleaned; washed some clothes; finished an essay.

BTW: It’s not like me to lie. I didn’t want to lie - but I was embarrassed and ashamed...

Sunday

I don’t remember Sunday. I think I sat at my computer - Oh yeah, I did. I remember now.  There was more homework to do, mail to open and files to organize.  It was awesome, I found a short story I had started writing a while back - it's pretty good.  Right now it's sad - I promise there is a happy ending - but not like a fairy tale happy ending - those aren't real.  If they were I would be with the prince of my dreams.

Monday

I was excited about school; I was going to see my favorite people. I don’t think I’m theirs… I don’t care.

I still get to see them and talk with them.  We share ideas and experiences - well not everyone - I have some friends who don't say much; but when they do it is meaningful, intelligent, brilliant and often pretty funny. Actually, it's just one friend.  One of my favorites.

Oh, I put the wrong contacts in - because I couldn't see the color - apparently I wore my black ones and terrified all the students in the tutoring center; plus some of the tutors - this might explain the strange look I received from one of my favorites in the creative writing class.  Another friend, Max, told me that he thought I was possessed.

Tuesday

I got to see two more favorite people. We watched the ending of "Coraline" and then my two favorite people and I worked on a poster.   We drew an eye, a button, a drachma and the river Styx with the ferryman.  I really enjoyed that.  And we wrote some drivel:  "the eyes are the windows to the soul".  I guess it's not drivel - I cover my eyes with contacts so no one can see into my soul.  I wear mine on my sleeve - or is that my heart?

OMG! I felt an earthquake after class. I freaked out. I told a friend. I don’t think he believed me. It was real. I swear. You can ask my other friend, who was there.

Wednesday

Today is Wednesday. I woke up this morning in pain. A pain that I am all too familiar with. It’s the pain that I was warned about.  The pain that precedes the necessity of the wheelchair - kind of like the calm before the storm -but the storm is happening now.   Victor purchased my new wheelchair six months ago. As soon as I become friends with the wheelchair I will have to schedule surgery. I will have to quit school. I will not be able to do anything for at least six months… the definition of complete empty calm.

I don’t want that. I want to live my life and do all the things that I haven’t done yet. I want to get another piercing and I want to get my first tattoo (I'm a little afraid).  I want to kiss the young man that I fancy - I'm glad he doesn't know  - At least I don't think so. I want to write an epic novel. I want to travel to Europe. I want to walk the line for graduation with my favorites.

So, I put my jazz shoes on and kicked my heel at the beautiful blue wheelchair sitting in the corner. I will wear these shoes all day so that I can feel each pebble and crack in the concrete. I will feel the warmth of the heated cement and asphalt and the texture of the carpet in the LRC. I will perform Tai Chi feeling every slat of wood along with its cracks. And I will memorize it all for when I can’t.

Prose Poetry - Pain

The pain woke me far too early. 4:00 a.m. maybe. Tears welled up; not because of the pain, but for what the pain meant. Struggling, I finally slip out of bed; pushing past pain. The wheelchair in the corner with outstretched arms waiting for me to accept his embrace. “Not today,” I said. “Perhaps tomorrow; for I have too much to do today.”

I cried again in the shower - because I was alone.  Showers are perfect places to sob and so I did.  I took my time selecting my clothes, styling my hair and applying my make-up.  It was important for me to feel pretty and pretend that everything was okay.

Weak and shaky, I will make it through today; on my own; like I have been doing all along.

As I walked out the front door I turned to the corner and said: "Mr. Blue, my wheelchair; you will just have to wait, I’m not ready. Ask me tomorrow."  I can almost guarantee I won't give in to the pain or that beautiful blue wheelchair.

Free Verse - Pain

I woke this morning to the pain; returned
I found myself weeping at its cost
I found the courage to rise and
Push through the pain.

I should have known; there were
Symptoms before the pain.
I ignored it; denying it; hoping
For another day.

I put my dance shoes on; my defiance
And hatred for the wheelchair
That sits in the corner waiting for
Me to need him - not today.

My reason for living drives and pushes
Me past the pain.
Yet shaking and weak; I am here today.
Pushing past the pain.

The day will come when I won’t be able
To stand, but I stand today.
I push through and work hard to finish
Everything I’ve started.

I want to leave my mark; before I can’t.

UNREQUITED

UNREQUITED

If it exists; it remains out of reach.

Dodging, twisting, racing, shrinking away

I had it once upon a time - true love.

Or so I thought - ripping, shredding, tearing

It left me - completely.  Alone in the dark.

Believing once of Faith, Hope, Charity, Love

Virtues often lauded within sacred text.

A knight in shining armor - no, mercenary

With twin rapiers strapped across his back

My virtues stripped and laid bare - sprawling - lifeless -

Left for dead.

Stretched across the un-sodden earth;

Naked

Ashamed

Alone

And he with his unsheathed, 

bloody rapiers; thrusting; carving away pieces

Taking what he owned.

Festering - fibrous cancer - all that remains

Broken - battered - beaten - barren - betrayed.

Faith: belief or trust in the unseen -

 trusting love exists.

Without my shade - the rapier’s senseless sacrifice -

My compass lost -

True love out of reach - the rapier’s cost.

Broken; soul to soul, I heard your voice - a plea

An echo of my own - kindred spirit - unknown

A seed planted - kindness sprouted

An echo back to me.

What was it that you said?  Or was it how you said it?

Feelings long buried sprung up - reaching - grasping

Rootless - shriveling away.

Oh troubled heart - not free to love another

Tethered to lovelessness - longing to break free.

My soul, trapped in its cage of bones

Fingers clasped tightly - ribs aching, cracking.

Lungs restricted; labored breathing - shaking.

You looked at me - my heart leaping from sorrow into hope

dragged back down

The pit - so dark - so isolated - lost - alone.

You draw near - I hear the ebb and flow of your breath

Your warm embrace imagined; my head resting on your chest.

You speak - I watch - curious - lips; are they soft?

Your tenderness; your caress - my broken heart - beating.

I sit staring at the rapiers on the wall - sheathed -

There they remain.

Afraid to pass them and cross the threshold

To the freedom and release; 

out there; somewhere.

You, the beacon, in the darkness, leading me,

Beaconing me - shackled where I stand

And you - out of reach.

Imagined - your touch, your caress, your embrace.

Iron chains; in your place

And you - unaware.

Holding my shade.

So with the dagger drawn from between my breasts

With a single cut - I remove the pain - 

 rising away on ethereal wings;

Yet, you remain.

Another cut - fueled passion; flames and dies - 

ash and cinder scattered across the night skies.

Yet, you remain.

Once more - grasping;  your lips and hands out of reach - 

cherry blossoms flung away

Yet, you remain.

Cold, unyielding steel against my flesh

A sigh escapes my untouched lips - a whispered “please”  

Acquiesced, relinquished life.

Still, you remain.

I marvel at the gaping wounds, where flesh and sinew meet

Crimson beads, slowly rising

Tears flowing - washing - welling up

Love’s well-spring overflowing;

You remain.

You, my soulmate - never knowing;

Cradling my shade.

I retrace each cut a little deeper -

 a little longer - stinging.  Hoping to cut it all away.

Pressed against the skin - I drive the silver blade - leaving its white shadow.

Releasing; lifting - flesh falling away - beautiful scarlet lines revealed -

All that remains.

Muscles contracting and veins weeping

Through blinding tears I see.

You remain:

 Forbidden, unrequited, my love.

My Shade.